Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
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Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Webb. James Webb.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.