Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.