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That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*