Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
50 shades of grey = my Liver
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work