Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
multitasking lunch
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens