decorating my apartment
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Optional boss fight.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.