Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
🤭😂
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Born to be mild.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not