Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about