Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
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People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.