Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
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Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.