deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
You Might Also Like
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants