deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.