Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
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A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
love it when they get my name right
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I only eat vegetarians.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.