DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.