M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6
“But there’s a shark in tan..”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.