Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”