Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
You Might Also Like
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
? 💀
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.