@Northerngent4

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

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@noog

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

@shanethevein

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

@PaperWash

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

@seegreenfairys

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

@Love_bug1016

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

@weinerdog4life

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

@PrimeVideo

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

@BGH70

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.