@Northerngent4

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

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@LuvPug

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

@ashmensch

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

@Cherbearxo

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

@Smooheed

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

@MrSpoonicorn

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

@Beatonm5

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves