God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
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I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.