defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
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when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.