Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?