Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“Can I have a drink?”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”
See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.