@iamkits

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

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@drebastion

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

@TheDrunkStory

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

@TweetPotato314

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@mommajessiec

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

@crunchenhanced

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

@bourgeoisalien

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.