*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.