* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
how was your vacation
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.