*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.