Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing