Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?