Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
the three branches of government
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Well, this explains it:
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.