Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
You Might Also Like
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
i hate you platonically
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U