[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
those birds must be on payroll
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*