Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
how it started vs how it ended
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Practicing safe sax
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow