Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.