I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
A leaf fell!
-My dog’s daily announcements
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If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”