@JJSummertime

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

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@darksidesith75

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

@XplodingUnicorn

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

@robin_991

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

@jctwritesstuff

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

@BlindChow

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

@KevinFarzad

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

@carlyken

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

@BrainFumbles

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

@Overdue_Bills

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”