Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
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It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*