Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
What do you hear?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”