Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”