demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you