DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
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me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me