@chelsealockw00d So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
@liljonlovitz DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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@chelsealockw00d 
@CubanaMama82 I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
@Marilyn_Res Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
@ArfMeasures ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
@DCpierson MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
@YesitsAl My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
@lifeisforkedup Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
@pauleggleston Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
@iwearaonesie Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
@iowahawkblog I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense