Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
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A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.