Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
The government even made aliens boring
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.