Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
This is a true ally.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell