[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
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shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
that’s really how it is
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational