Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
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Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Go girl power!
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians