Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
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thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*