Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
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[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.