DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
when there are deer in the woods
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
#FunnyLife Insects
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.