[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
it’s finally my moment to shine
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’