Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why