Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Don’t make me out nice you.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.