[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

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You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.


HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar


[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?


[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before


CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-


Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”


Me: Everything isn’t about you.


“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”


[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”


I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.