Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.