DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
You Might Also Like
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.