dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Welcome
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole