dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
#Thanos #MondayMood
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Mad Max Arctic Road
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE